A Clown's Smile

I paint through my words,

I put colors through my rhyme,

Like the stars do to the night sky,

I could give you a piece of me

Each time I write.

Passion, dedication, blood, and love,

This is how art come into life

Dreams, tears, wounds, and scars,

This is how my words come into life.

I have a lot in my mind,

But my hands can’t cope up,

Words are jumbled inside my head,

Words that fuels my existence...

Can you feel my pain?

Are my tears of someone’s gain?

I never knew why I did what I did

I guess that’s why they tell me

You cannot choose whom you will fall in love with...

Slowly, the image of your face, your smile

Is fading in my memories

Does it mean I’m starting forget the feeling

I feel whenever you smile

Or the hurt I feel whenever I wish you are mine.

I want to forget the things I remember

And remember the things I forgot.

I want to remember the sound of your voice

And the touch of your hand

But I want to forget the feelings I have.

Memories are tricky things

To a mind that is confused

They are too unkind

To heart that longs

For that hand that hold another hand

Not mine.

I can’t breathe, I can’t cry

There are no more tears to dry

They went with the air I breathe

The day I lied

This kind of love is destroying me

Breaking my soul piece by piece

Day by day

I have to stop this, but how can I

When I still long for you to say hi...

There's somewhere I wanna go...

I want to say something but I dont know how to start.

I want to go somewhere but I don't know how to fly.

I want to smile but I started to cry...

Epiphany-Staind

e·piph·a·ny (-pf-n) NOUN: A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something...

I woke up after a couple hours of sleep, feeling like crap. And I wasn't satisfied with this, I started to play this song over and over again. Now, I feel crappier than before...

LOVE YOUR ENEMIES

Grudges have been the bane of my existence because I have this weird type of memory that I can remember things very clearly even if they happened 20+ years ago. Having this type of memory is very difficult because even the slightest details of some conflicts, some arguments that I’ve been through are very clear in my mind.

This makes it very difficult to me to forgive and forget, especially the forgetting part. Whenever some flashbacks come into mind for some reason, it still pinches me in a slightly stinging way that it makes me hate myself for being weak and gullible.

Then one solution came into mind while I was reading a blog of one person that I really admire, who is a now born-again Christian who is not embarrassed to show his faith in ways that most of us ridicule. It was as simple as this:

LOVE YOUR ENEMIES

Yes, it is simple as that but very difficult to do. I never been the kind of a religious person. I consider myself a spiritual person. I consider myself as a devout Catholic, but I do not do things that most Catholics do. I rarely go to novenas, pray the rosary, or go to pilgrimages. I also do not believe in religious images, but I do believe on the cross with no Christ hanging on the said cross because I believe in the Risen Christ. I also go Bible studies sponsored by other sects of the Christian faith. But if they start saying negative things against other religions or other Christian sects, I’m out of there in a blink. I can’t stand those kind of “paninira”. I don’t focus on the differences among religions, I focus more on the similarities. The strength of my faith is based on these similarities. This is why I say that I’m Christian who is spiritual, not a religious one.

But then, I can say that I’m a hypocrite because I can’t do the simple commandment of Jesus which is Love your neigbors, as you love yourself. How can I, when those neighbors are those I consider my enemies, the people who took advantage of my weaknesses, those who really left me emotional and psychological scars. On the other hand, it is also my fault of being too trusting, too gullible to believe that they are my good neighbors. I also tell my that those things never happened if I never let them be.

Maybe, I should first stop blaming myself and forgive myself for being weak, and also start loving myself, and perhaps someday, I can truly say that I can forgive and forget.

Me and my mashed boiled kamote

Whoever said that kamote will only give you gas and nothing else is a big, fat liar.

How can I be sure about this? Well, I had an epiphanic momentwhile I was eating mashed boiled kamote (or sweet potato if you don't know what kamote is), I was cracking-up while watching some program on the Internet, which I do for these past days.

What have I realized after my epiphanic moment: I am terrified of tall and buff people! I really am!

And yes, I'm the master of multitasking. I can do things all at the same time. i.e. eating, cracking-up, watching , and have epiphanic moments.

Back to my new found fear. Whenever I see them, I have this urge to run and hide especially when I see their large hands that could crush my head or cut my head-off in one swipe. I can deal with guys who are taller than me but people who are more than 6 feet in height and really buff, they really terrify me.

Maybe you're wondering why in the hell I'm eating boiled kamote?

The answer is simple: spur of the moment. And also besides the fact that I don't like eating bread at the moment as well as any junk food, and I'm too lazy to bake anything.

Why kamote? Why not potato? Potato is too bland for my taste, and I'm stingy, I chose sweet potato which is much cheaper that potato.

What is the point of my blog?

- I have no idea...

the zen of one bowl of sweet kamote

Update on my to-do list before the big 3-0:

• Have my own driver's license
• Remember the spelling of LICENSE
• Get rid of urge of having a tattoo on a place that nobody wants to see: my log of a leg
• Buy Bob Ong's book: Kapitan Sino

To my friend Tin, who commented on my same blog in friendster: Sister,yes, I know how spell stilettos, but still I can't bring myself to wear them.

Why?

• I'm afraid of heights
• I don't have the confidence to stand on those very thin thingies
• I'm afraid I could twist my ankle and crack me head.

Give me those chunky heeled boots, no matter how high they are, I'll wear them anytime, anywhere. I will suppress my fear of heights because I am more confident that they can support me more.

Okay, why do I fear something's gonna happen from what I have written?

Things to do before the big 3-0

36 weeks.

It will be 36 weeks before I hit the big 3-0.

36 weeks = 252 days = 6,048 hours = 362,880 minutes =21,772,800 seconds

Well, as you can see, I’m not that anxious. That big number is just around the corner, and I’m not that anxious. Yeah, I just made those approximations by bringing out my fx-570W CASIO scientific calculator to make these calculations for fun. Yeah, I’m not that anxious, nor paranoid. No, I’m not paranoid.

What the F*ck! Of course, I’m paranoid!

3-0!

In human calendar, you’re considered ancient, especially if you’re a woman and still single. But as I sit here and rock my brain on what to write, and if R-O-C-K is the correct word to use, I’m consoling myself by saying, “Hey! According to some people, 30 is the new 20!”

Ha! Denial. Still in denial! I’m turning ancient in 21,772,800 seconds! (but these figures will be lesser by the time you read this.)

Well, anyway. Last night, as I allow myself ito wallow in self-pity, I decided to list down some of the things I would like to do before that fateful day.

1. Learn to accept that the orange colour is part of the rainbow. It was not placed there to annoy the hell out of me. It was there since the beginning of time.
2. Learn to play the guitar for the nth time.
3. Hunt and save some centavos to buy my own guitar.
4. Learn to look down at the ground when walking to look for those centavos.
5. Learn how to drive a car.
6. Learn how to ride a bike.
7. Learn the difference between the two.
8. Learn how to speak Japanese. I’m sick of reading the subtitles of those animes I love to watch. (Ha! anime?! Japanese soap operas kunam ah!)
9. Learn how to speak Korean. Same reason as above.
10. Learn to write in Japanese, Korean, and Chinese to make a very special instructor proud eventhough he’s not around anymore. This is my tribute to him.
11. Learn to accept that stilletos were not made to torture the female population, nor can be used as a weapon.
12. Learn the correct spelling of STILETTOS.
13. Start to write more legibly. This will guarantee a smoother relationship between my mom and my handwriting. She always hated it.
14. Learn to accept that everything is possible but not everything that can be done is right.
15. Learn to control unnecessary reactions when you see people resembling a walking stick yet feel that they are the shit. Those reactions include uncontrollable giggles or cracking-up in a bad way which can cause collapsed lungs.
16. Learn that daydreaming can be good if you’re trying to write a literary piece but bad when you’re driving and think that you’re racing in the Grand Prix.
17. Also learn that daydreaming is bad when you’re having a conversation with someone then suddenly you spaced out, and ended saying “uh-huh” to a very ridiculous question
18. Learn to restrain self on asking if chinky-eyed people can still see when they smile. No offense but I love their eyes when they smile. Wheew! Be still my heart!
19. Learn to accept that my age is still in the calendar for most of the months except February, as well as in the LOTTO and BINGO game.
20. Proclaim to the whole world that the song entitled “500 Miles” by The Proclaimers is the best love song ever.
21. Always check if my fly is open before going out of my cave of a room to avoid further embarrassments.
22. Learn to accept the fact that there can be a very small chance that I can do these all in time but still try to be as optimistic as I possibly can.
23. Learn to accept that this list can grow longer and longer and longer as the days go by because of new rediscoveries.
24. Learn that I can use “bullets” instead of “numbers” in making lists so that people will no have idea how many things are present in those said lists.
25. Last but not the least, get rid of my weird phobias or fears which are the following

• fear of social climbers but are also acrophobic
• fear of gold-diggers who are not miners
• fear of backstabbers but fearful of blood
• fear of people who are considered snakes but are not related to Zuma, Medusa, or Valentina
• check out my bathroom stall vandalism in my profile in friendster for more of my phobias. Beware: they are written in Tagalog.

Mata ng Diyos by Wolfgang

sa pag mulat ng aking mata
ako'y ginising ng ihip ng hangin
ang sikat ng araw, makulay

sa tabi ng ilog
parang may tumatawag, pabulong
ako'y lumapit sa puno'y may natanaw
dumilim ang araw

bumigat bigla ang aking dibdib
tibok ng puso'y bumilis
ako'y hindi mapakali, ako'y naduduwal
sa pagtitig ng kanyang mata
ako'y kanyang hinusgahan
ligaya kong naramdaman
binawi sa akin
at hindi ko maalala
kung saan galing ito
mga bahid ng dugong dumikit sa aking mga kuko

tumakbo, lumayo sa lugar na 'to
lalamunan ko'y tuyung-tuyo
tumakbo, lumayo sa pagtitig mo
sa mata ng Diyos

biglang umikot ang paningin
liwanag ng araw biglang dumilim
malambing na ihip ng hangin ngayon ay maitim
ako'y nawala sa aking sarili
pati ang lupa'y gumanti
bato, bundok at puno man
sumisigaw, sumisigaw...

at ngayon ko nakita
ang lahat ng kasalanan, tinaboy sa ulan
init at kamunduhan

tumakbo, lumayo sa lugar na 'to
lalamunan ko'y tuyung-tuyo
tumakbo, lumayo at magtago
sa mata ng Diyos

mata ng Diyos...

inalok ako ng isang ahas
pula't matamis na mansanas
pilit ko man hindi makaiwas
sa mata ng Diyos

***nothing beats old school hehehe! this is one of my favorite songs back in highschool. I found it in my archives. there's nothing to do this boring summer***